Today It Hurts Less
*I wrote this on February 6 on my drive home from my birth son’s baptism. His birthday was February 1 and the placement anniversary was February 3.*
Eight years ago I lost a piece of my heart. Today it hurts less. As I watch him enter the baptismal fount with his dad, I am reminded of the day he was sealed to them. Today it hurts less.
As I give him a hug, tell him I love him and walk out the door to drive away leaving behind that piece of my heart knowing, like the first day I placed him in their arms, that goodbye isn’t forever. Today it hurts less.
Every hug and kiss, every photo and online post, every card in the mail, every letter left unsent. Today it hurts less.
You see, it’s not because I’ve forgotten the pain I felt when I walked away the first time. It’s not because I’ve “moved on” or started a new life. It’s not because I love him less, I love him as much as I always have.
It’s because with each interaction, each thing I read or see, I know that he is where he belongs. With each smile I see on his mother’s face, each story she tells; each time she says “thank you” or “we love you” I know that she loves him just as much as I do, something that I didn’t know was possible eight years ago.
It’s not that I have ever questioned that she loves him, there was never any doubt in my mind, but I always wondered, “How can she love him as much as I do?” “Does she know just how much I love him to trust her with him?”
When I chose them, I spent so much time focusing on the fact that he needed a dad that I never thought to focus on the love he’d need from his mother, not until the day he was in her arms. I was so scared I’d hurt her feelings, so scared that I’d put a wedge in our relationship.
But today more than ever I know he’s where he needs to be. Today more than ever I know that his family is where he was meant to be. She didn’t have to let me be in his life, she could’ve changed her mind on letting me be involved, but she didn’t. She loves him just as much as I do, and she loves me.
So, tonight as I go to my home, feeling my heart ache for that missing piece, I’ll hug my children, tuck them in, and be thankful that today it hurts less. Some days are more painful than others, some days I have to ask Heavenly Father for another confirmation that I made the best choice for him, but I also have to thank Him that today it hurts less.